The Wedding that Almost Wasn't
by ilovetvalot
Summary: What happens when Kevin tries to back out of his wedding to Penelope Garcia. Hilarity ensues.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Looking around at the men in the groom's room, Kevin shook his head violently. "I can't do it! I positively can not do this!" he gasped beginning to hyperventilate.

As shocked eyes turned on him, Dave shoved the young man's head between his knees.

"Do what?" Hotch asked, confused.

"The marriage. I can't marry Pens," Kevin rasped.

"Say what?" Morgan squawked. "Oh, I assure you, you ARE marrying my Baby Girl."

Grabbing Morgan's arm, Hotch stopped him, shaking his dark head as he stared at the young man in front of him.

"Why can't you marry her, Kevin," Hotch asked evenly.

Raising his head, Kevin looked frantically around the room with wide eyes. "How can you stand there and ask me that!? All that stuff you guys said last night…I don't want that to be the life Pens and I have!"

Raising startled eyes to look at the other men in the room, Dave pushed Kevin's head back between his legs. "What the hell did you guys say to him after I left last night?"

Shifting uncomfortably on his feet, Morgan muttered, "Hell, man, I drank a bottle of Jack last night. I said A LOT of things!"

"Well, evidently, something stuck!" Rossi hissed with a meaningful look at Kevin's bent head.

"Garcia and JJ are gonna kill us! I think we might have broke him," Reid said in a small voice as he stared down at the other man.

"Why? What did you tell him, Reid?" Rossi asked, as he looked around the room for a paper bag.

"I might have spouted some divorce statistics for individuals in his age demographic," Reid confessed.

"Oh, Christ! You're right, JJ and Garcia are going to kill us all," Rossi groaned.

"It wasn't my fault! He," Reid said, pointing at Morgan, "made me do shots of tequila with him! Everybody knows I can't drink!"

"I drank tequila, too, last night? I knew I had more of a hangover than usual this morning," Morgan mused.

"Derek, focus!!" Rossi yelled, nodding at Kevin, now sitting upright breathing into a paper bag.

"Oh, yeah…Listen, Kev. You can't pay attention to anything we said last night, man. We were blowing off steam."

"You told me that I'd never sample any other flavor of ice cream as long as I lived! You told me I was crazy to settle for vanilla when there were thirty other flavors out there!" Kevin panted.

"Jesus!" Hotch moaned.

"And you!" Kevin said, pointing a trembling finger at Hotch. "You! You were the worst! Wanna know what that one told me?" Kevin asked Dave very near hysteria.

Sighing, Rossi leaned against the wall. "Probably not, but give it a go, son. I'm a dead man walking anyway."

"HE said that marriage was a life sucking bitch that a man would never recover from. That they suck us in with pretty words and great sex and then yank the rug out from under our feet. They take our house, and kids and money and leave you with this big empty hole in your heart! I don't want any of that!" Kevin yelled frantically.

"Damn, man. Harsh!" Morgan said, looking at Hotch.

"I was drunk, too!" Hotch defended.

"I had one job. ONE!" Rossi yelled, holding up a finger. "Get Kevin through last night unscathed. When I left, he was happy and laughing! In the space of a few hours you three turned him into a quivering mass of goo!"

"I can't do it! I'm sorry, but I can't," Kevin shook his head.

"Yes, son, you can. Marriage is great. There's nothing like it…some one to come home to…to spend your life with! Somebody that loves you unconditionally."

"Did you believe that each of the THREE times YOU walked down the aisle! Huh, Rossi?" Kevin yelped.

"We're not talking about me here, kid!" Rossi ground out. Squatting in front of the younger man, Rossi tried to keep his control, saying, "Listen to me, Kev. If you back out of this, I'm never going to convince your future wife's best friend to marry ME - the father of her unborn child! You don't want that, do you? To be responsible for my daughter not having a whole and happy home!"

"You mean you're gonna try this AGAIN!" Kevin screeched, grabbing Dave by the lapels of his suit. "Are you insane? Man, did you not hear any of the things I told you they said!" Standing abruptly, Kevin yelled, "I need air!"

Grabbing him by the collar before he could escape, Dave ground out, "Uh uh. You're not leaving this room until we convince you that marriage is your only option. I am not going to have to tell JJ that we've ruined the wedding that she's planned for months! She'll cry and I make it a point never to make her cry, Kevin! Then she'll yell, which, depending on what she's yelling, that can be worse! Nope, sorry! Can't let you leave." Shoving him back into the chair Morgan had righted, Dave looked around the room at the other occupants. "FIX. THIS. NOW!!" he roared.

"What the hell can we do, Dave?" Hotch asked. "It's not like we can shove a gun in his back and force him down the aisle."

"Who says!" Morgan yelled.

"The girls are gonna line up to kill us," Reid worried. "I've already crossed JJ once this week. One a week is all you GET! She made that real clear in the beginning."

"Who're you preachin' to, kid? She spent thirty minutes last week detailing to my very hot date the injustices of being pregnant. How one little night could ruin your body for the rest of her natural life," Morgan said with an accusing glare to Rossi.

"Her body is perfect, no matter what shape it is," Rossi sighed.

"Yesterday, she CUT off my Hugo Boss tie! And I really don't think that was the appendage she truly wanted to cut from my body!" Hotch shuddered, looking at Dave.

"Why the hell are you all looking at me like that? You ALL know I'm doing everything I can to convince that woman that I want her and the baby!"

"You got her pregnant," Hotch said reasonably, "therefore, she is YOUR responsibility. Go get her so that she can talk some sense back into that one," he said with a nod at the rapidly breathing Kevin.

"You've lost your fucking mind!" Rossi yelped with widened eyes and a violently shaking head. "There's no way I'm going up there and telling that woman that you three ruined the wedding she's planned for months!"

"Nobody else is going to get through to him," Hotch said, furrowing his brow. "We both know it."

"Then you go get her. No matter how this goes down that little whirlwind is gonna blame me! And, for once, I'm innocent! Completely freaking innocent!"

"Innocent is a bit of a stretch, Chief," Morgan chortled.

"Shut up!" Dave and Hotch yelled in unison.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"How about Emily? Emily will be convincing!" Reid offered frantically.

"Emily will be homicidal," Hotch remarked.

"No, she's a girl! She'll know all those nice feminine things to say," Reid said, furiously shaking his shaggy blonde head.

Rolling his eyes, Morgan retorted, "Em is much likelier to shoot first and ask questions later. I really don't think that she's the one we want negotiating here."

"Look, I don't want to tell you guys your business, but Agent Rossi over here is like the scariest man on the planet and I'm telling HIM no! You could bring, Ghandi, the Pope and Jesus Christ in here to talk some since into me! Wouldn't matter. Nothing could induce me to join in wedded bliss after what you guys said last night!" Kevin said, each word raising in pitch. "I'm not doing it!"

Heads turning as they heard a firm knock on the door, Rossi hissed, "No matter whose behind that door we stand together! Nobody says a word! Got that Kevin? Not a word." Pointing at Hotch and resting a heavy hand on Kevin's shoulder, Rossi ordered, "You answer it."

"Who is it?" Hotch called out, hand on the doorknob.

"Santa Claus! Who the heck do you think it is?" Emily said sarcastically, trying to open the door. "Open the door! JJ wants to know if everybody is ready and on time. And, I really hope you all are because she just had words with the caterer and trust me, it wasn't pretty!"

Easing the door slowly open, Hotch stepped into the frame of the door, blocking Emily's view. "We're fine, Em."

"Hey, I told JJ that I'd get a visual on the groom. Step aside! I'm not pissing that woman off any more than she already is," Emily commanded, shoving Hotch out of the way and walking into the room. "Why doesn't Kevin have on his tie and cumberband? And why does he look so pale? I don't think JJ scheduled any extra time for pre-wedding jitters," Emily stated evenly.

"Tie's right here, Emily," Rossi said, casually pulling the plaid tie from the pile of clothing in the chair beside Kevin. "We're just letting Kevin take his time and enjoy his last minutes of bachelorhood."

"Kevin?" Emily asked suspiciously. "Why won't that boy meet my eyes?" she asked the room at large. "What's been going on in here?"

"Now, why would you ask something like that, Em?" Morgan asked easily.

"Because Rossi's smiling way too much, Hotch is sweating bullets and Reid is trying to pull his invisible man act," she said nodding at where Reid was trying to melt into the wall. Narrowing her eyes on the youngest member of their team trying to inch his way to the door, Emily stepped forward. "Reid, " she said, gripping his arm as he would have sprinted from the room. "Is there something going on in here that the others aren't telling me?"

Gulping as he watched Dave and Morgan frantically shaking their heads behind Emily, he said in a strangled voice, "There's nothing happening here, Em. Nothing at all," he babbled. "Everything is just fine. Perfectly fine."

Taking a step closer to her struggling co-worker, Emily whispered, "Reid, have you forgotten who you're talking to? World-class profiler, remember? I'm trained to read body language for a living, you know. Just like you."

"She's bluffing, kid! Hold your ground," Morgan called out. "Don't let her mess with your mind."

Turning her head to smile at Morgan, Emily replied, "Why would I do that, Derek? What kind of reason would I have to mess with his mind?" Turning back to Spencer, Emily asked, "Is there a reason I should mess with your mind, Spence?"

"NO," Reid said quickly, trying to pull from Emily's grasp. "I mean, really, Em, we were just talking guy stuff when you walked in…Nothing you need to know about or tell JJ or Garcia about!"

"For the love of God, Reid, shut up!" Hotch hissed.

Dropping Spencer's arm and turning to Hotch, she focused a penetrating gaze on him. Walking across the room to stand in front of him, she smoothed his lapel as she asked sweetly, "Hotch, why shouldn't Reid talk to me? You aren't encouraging him to keep secrets from his fellow team members, are you?"

"Of course not," Hotch shook his head. "You look very fetching in that particular shade of orange, Emily," he offered uncomfortably.

"Distracting me won't work, Hotch."

Shrugging, Hotch said, looking over her head at Kevin struggling against Rossi's hand, "Emily, I don't think there's anything in here for you, JJ or anyone else to concern themselves with. We're running on schedule."

"That's crap and you know it," Em said flatly. "Now, spill it! Allow me to remind you, I don't take the word "no" for an answer easily."

"See," Kevin babbled from his chair, dropping his head in his hands. "It's just like you guys said last night, they try to run your life. Never let you have a thought to yourself. They want you to SHARE everything! I can NOT do this!!"

Slapping a hand over Kevin's mouth, Rossi looked up. Shit, too late. This cat had jumped out of the bag and onto the furnace. And from the smoke coming from Emily Prentiss' ears, it was a bout to become a firebomb!

"What the HELL did that boy just say?" Emily yelled. "Can't do what? What can't he do, Hotch?! Dave?"

"Now, Em," Hotch said worriedly.

"He HAS to do this! Not doing this isn't an option. Penelope is IN her wedding gown, for crying out loud! And JJ has threatened to decapitate the caterers!" Turning to the door, Emily yelled, "I'm getting JJ!"

"Grab her!" Rossi ordered loudly, pointing to Emily. "And didn't I tell you to stay put and stay quiet?" Dave growled to Kevin, slapping his handcuffs on Kevin and securing him to the radiator. "Now, maybe I won't have to worry about you running out of here! I'm too old to play chase!"

"Let me go!" Emily raged at Hotch. "JJ was right behind me, you moron!"

Grabbing his handcuffs out of his pocket, Hotch quickly secured Emily to the closet door. Leaning against the wall, just out of Emily's reach, Hotch panted, "Now what?"

"I'll tell you what! When I get these cuffs off, you are a dead man, Aaron Hotchner! This is false imprisonment!"

Glaring at Morgan, Rossi ordered, "Get your ass over here and watch the kid! If he escapes, I'm holding you personally responsible, Morgan! And I guarantee you won't like the repurcussions!"

"How the hell did all this become MY fault?" Derek squawked.

"Thirty other flavors, my ass!" Rossi spat.

Looking at Hotch, Rossi said,, grabbing the jacket to his tux, "I'm gonna go head Jen off for as long as I can…which knowing her will be about fifteen minutes." Looking at a sputtering Emily, Rossi said calmly, "Look, Em, we want to keep this from JJ and Garcia for as long as we can. We're hoping that we can talk some sense into Mr. Stupid over there. If it's at all possible, I'd really like to keep the expectant mother of my child from having a full blown hyper intensive crisis today, damn it!" Glaring around the room at the men, Rossi threatened, "If we have to make an unscheduled visit to the ER today because of this crap, I swear, I'll find a way to make you all suffer right along beside me. Now, start convincing, people. I'll buy you as much time as I can. With luck, you'll have about a quarter of an hour to convince Kevin that Penelope is the woman of his dreams. Fifteen minutes to get us out of this nightmare. Any more than that and Jen will see straight through me."

Stepping out into the country club's long hallway, Dave pulled the door tightly shut on Kevin's whines and Emily's irate screams. Glancing to the right, Dave smiled as he caught sight of a tiny blonde tornado waddling toward him. Spotting the determined gleam in her eye, he moved quickly forward to intercept her. "Hey, sweetheart. How are things holding up on the girl's side of the fence?"

Frowning, JJ automatically reached up the straighten his tie. "Well, I thought I was gonna have to pull out my handcuffs earlier," she said with an eye roll.

"The bride trying to make a run for it," Rossi asked with what he hoped wasn't a hopeful voice.

Sending a tiny hand slamming into his chest, JJ growled, "Not something to joke about! No, it's more like trying to keep her from running off and eloping. Months of planning and now she decides that they should have gone to Vegas and been married by Elvis!"

Well versed in recognizing the warning signs of a full blown rant, Dave wrapped an arm around JJ's expanding waist. Pulling her toward him as he walked toward the side entrance to the building, Dave murmured, "You need some air, Jen. And you need to get off those feet for a few minutes."

"I NEED to check on Kevin and make sure everything is on schedule," JJ said, trying to pull away from him.

"Not a chance, honey," Dave objected, locking his arm more securely around her. "You heard the doctor. Periodic rests. You've been going full speed ahead for hours and the wedding hasn't even started yet."

"Dave, I still need to check on Kev…and then there's the florist…"

"And they'll still be there in fifteen minutes. I know for a fact that Kevin's not moving," Rossi said, condemning himself to hell for his omission of WHY exactly Kevin wasn't moving. Pulling her out the door, he murmured, "You can time me." Glancing down at his watch, he prayed that his team would make good use of this time.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Guiding JJ over to a stone bench set beneath some towering oaks, he carefully eased her down against the seat. Sighing as she leaned against him, he ordered, "Feet up. You heard the doctor as well as I did at the last appointment, Bella."

"Would you stop quoting everything the obstetrician said, Dave. It's getting annoying. I was there. I heard the man!" JJ muttered, hoisting her legs up on the bench. "I still don't know where a man gets off telling a woman how she should feel and act during pregnancy. It's not like he's ever done it. Or you either for that matter."

"The nice doctor has delivered hundreds of healthy babies. I checked," Rossi said confidently.

"Oh, I know that you checked," JJ murmured. "Jeez, Dave, a background check on the baby doctor? You're hopeless."

"Nothing is too good for my daughter or her mother," Dave shrugged. "Besides, do you want some idiot taking care of you?"

Ignoring his question, JJ grabbed his arm, lifting it to look at his wrist watch. "I can't stay out here too long, Dave. I need to make sure Kevin's ready before I move Penelope into the foyer."

Wrapping an arm around her, Dave held her securely to his chest. " A few more minutes aren't gonna hurt a thing, Bella. I'll bet you've got Juniorette in there so hyped up that she's bouncing off your internal organs. Calm down and rest for a bit."

Shaking her head against his chest, JJ pinched his arm. "Swear to God if the nickname Juniorette sticks after my little girl is born, Dave, I'm going to murder you in your sleep. Hitting golf balls isn't the only thing that nine iron you have is good for."

"Sweetheart, we really need to have a little discussion later about these homicidal tendancies that you seem to be having lately. The boys are scared. Between trying to castrate the florist yesterday and your constant talk of offing me in my sleep, I'm getting a little worried," Dave said, striving to keep the laughter from his voice.

Turning her head slightly to raise an eyebrow in his direction, JJ said evenly, "Then my advice is to not do anything to potentially piss me off in the next half hour."

Dropping a kiss on her upturned lips, David murmured, "How about we just sit here and think happy thoughts and practice that deep breathing we learned in last weeks class?"

Rolling her eyes, JJ lifted his wrist again to glance at his watch. "Three more minutes of this and I'm outta here. I've got a wedding to run."

***

Back in the groom's room, prayers of a different nature were reaching God's ears, as Aaron Hotchner, well known for his calm rationale and temperment, was battling with Emily Prentiss' furious arm and even more creative mouth.

Smacking at his chest, Emily hissed, "Unless you would like to find your balls relocated into your trachea, you'll let me out of these chains! Right now, Hotchner!"

"Emily, if you'll just take a minute to consider…" Hotch began.

"Consider that my boss has taken me as an unwilling prisoner?" Emily yelled furiously. "You DO realize that JJ will consider this guilt by association?"

Looking around the room and capturing Emily's free hand in his as it came in close contact with his head, Hotch appealed to Kevin. "Kevin, you've got to see reason here. Look at me," Hotch ordered.

Shaking his head, Kevin slid bonelessly down the wall, "Can't do it! Won't do it! You can't make me!"

Looking at Hotch, Morgan begged, "Let me hit him! Just once! Maybe it'll snap him out of it!"

"Hands off the groom!" Hotch yelled.

"I'm not going to be a groom," Kevin whined. "How do I make you guys understand that!"

"You can't. Penelope Garcia can be your wife or your widower! Your choice! There's no way I'm letting you do this to our Baby Girl, man! No freaking way!"

"I can't do it, Morgan," Kevin whined, begging Morgan to understand. "I can't live the rest of my life without getting any of the other flavors!"

"Huh?" Emily said, furrowing her brow. "What the HELL does THAT mean?"

"You DON'T want to know," Hotch mumbled.

"The hell I don't! What flavors, Kevin?" Emily called.

"How can I live my life with vanilla when there's rocky road and cherries jubilee out there!"

"What?! Are you comparing women to ice cream?" Emily screeched.

"I need the Jamocha Almond Fudge, man!" Kevin wailed.

"Oh, dear God, he's cracked!" Reid moaned.

"Kevin! Focus! I need you to remember all those reasons that you fell in love with Garcia!" Hotch tried to reason.

"What the HELL have you idiots DONE to that guy?" Emily yelled, jerking at the handcuffs.

"Concentrate on all those wonderful qualities she has, Kevin. Remember all those little things that you two have in common," Hotch said calmly, watching Kevin closely.

"Yeah, man…like that geeky little language that you guys talk….that mind numbing crap you two spout to each other," Morgan added helpfully.

"Not helping, Morgan," Hotch said under his breath.

"Perhaps if you'd just take a moment to logically map out how your life will be changed by this life altering decision, then you'll find that you can accept those changes and live with the consequences of allowing another person within your personal space," Reid offered.

"Really, REALLY not helping kid," Morgan grunted, watching Kevin's face pale even further.

Looking around the room, eyes wild, Kevin yelped, "She's gonna invade my space. My personal private space! I can't let her have my space!"

"She's not going to steal you space, Kevin. She's going to share it," Hotch said, striving for patience.

"Nuh uh! She'll take it over! All of it! You said so last night!"

"Hotch!" Emily admonished loudly.

Sparing her a glance, he moaned, "I was drunk!"

"Just last week she said something about how maybe the Star Trek theme wasn't the decorating motif we should use for the living room. She was eyeballing my Mr. Spock posters!" Looking at Emily, he squeaked, "She's after Mr. Spock!" Leaning against the wall and breathing heavily, Kevin shook his head frantically. "She can't have him! She can't!"

Taking a step toward Kevin and frowning, Morgan looked at Hotch. "Can I slug him now?"

"NO!" Hotch and Emily yelled simultaneously.

"Hand him the bag, Derek!" Em yelled. "Kevin, just breathe! Hotch, let me loose right now before this gets any worse or I swear I'm gonna tear apart this room brick by brick!"

Tossing her the key, Hotch moved quickly to Kevin, kneeling to hold the bag to his lips.

"I can't take it anymore!" Reid screamed. "I'm getting JJ," he called over his shoulder. "She's our last best hope!"


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Watching as JJ shifted against him and grimaced, Dave dropped his hand to her lower back. "How long have you been in pain, Bella."

"I'm not in pain," JJ muttered, shifting again.

"Bullshit," Dave returned flatly. "I know pain when I see it."

"Well, what do you expect, Rossi? Your daughter has added twenty extra pounds to my frame. There's bound to be a little strain. Besides, it's these shoes, too," JJ said, holding up her feet encased in lime green three inch crocodile heels. "I think Penelope chose the most uncomfortable footwear on the face of the planet."

"They DO make a statement," Dave replied, raising a brow at the shoes.

"Yeah, they say that anyone that would choose to wear them, let alone pay the eighty dollars for them, deserve what they get."

"If they hurt, take 'em off, babe," Dave shrugged.

"I can't," JJ moaned. "Pens was real specific in the color scheme for this shindig. Do you know how hard it is to get flowers died orange and lime green."

"Nope, but I bet you do," Dave laughed. "God knows, you've taken this whole wedding planner position seriously enough."

Dropping her head against his supportive arm, JJ sighed. "What was I supposed to do. It's my best friend's wedding and unlike some, she only plans on doing this once. It needs to be perfect."

Tipping her chin so than she looked at him, Dave said quietly, "You know, our wedding could be perfect, too."

Shaking her head, JJ muttered, "Don't start, Dave. Not now. You are not doing this to me here. I refuse to get into a knock down drag out fight with you about our marital status minutes before I'm putting on the wedding to end all weddings."

Tightening his arms around her as she moved to shift away from him, Rossi murmured, "Honey, just think about it. We're already living together…have been for months. We haven't killed each other yet, now have we?"

"Not yet," JJ growled, "but don't count your chickens before they hatch, old man. There's always tonight."

Ignoring her, he continued, "And we're having a baby together."

"Not a good enough reason to slip a ring on my finger."

"How about the fact that I love you more than my own life," Dave muttered, pressing a kiss to her neck. "Don't you think the next logical step in this little scenario is to get married."

"Sure. It was the next logical step for you THREE times before, too," JJ noted. "Besides, when have you or I ever done anything logical regarding our relationship?" Dragging one of his hands to her rounded belly, JJ moaned, "This is what happened when I let you bring a bottle of wine into the bedroom. Not real logical for me! This is what happens when my alter-ego, Tipsy JJ, makes an appearance."

Grinning, Dave caressed her belly. "I happen to be very fond of Tipsy JJ!"

"Don't I know it!" JJ laughed, covering his hand with hers.

"And, if you're honest with yourself and with me, I think we can both agree that what we've found together is a hell of a lot more than a night of alcohol induced fun, now isn't it?" Leaning forward to press a kiss to her lips, he murmured, "Come on, Bella…you know you want to say yes."

Closing her eyes, JJ groaned. "Dave, are you really sure that you want to do this again. I won't be as easy to get rid of as your previous wives. I personally believe in the for-life, til death do us part commitment that marriage means. Your track record in that area…"

Cutting her off by pressing a finger to her lips, Dave shook his head. "I wouldn't have asked you fourteen times in the last month if I didn't mean it, JJ. You and the baby are a fresh start for me. Tell me that you aren't gonna refuse me again here on this beautiful day."

Biting her lip, JJ stared into the dark eyes of the man she'd fallen in love with. "Okay, David," JJ whispered.

Catching his breath, David asked hopefully, "Does that mean what I think it does?"

Stopped from responding by the sound of a slamming door and pounding footsteps running toward them, JJ looked over her shoulder to see Reid flying toward them.

"It's not my fault! Don't blame me, okay?!" Reid yelled, jumping from one foot to the other.

Standing as quickly as her heavy body would allow, JJ narrowed her eyes on the young profiler with the flyaway blonde hair. "Blame you for what, Reid!" JJ yelled.

"Kevin's calling off the wedding," Reid blurted.

"Kid, you're timing sucks!" Rossi groaned.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

"I'm sorry. Really, really sorry, JJ! But it wasn't me. It was Morgan…And, Hotch…and well, maybe just the tiniest bit of me…but the fraction of a percent that was actually me is negligible. Truly, it is…"

"Reid!" JJ yelled, holding up a hand. "Where is he?"

"Who?" Reid yelped as JJ's hand came out to grab his tie and jerk the young profiler to her.

"The groom, Reid! Kevin! Where is he?"

Gulping, Reid looked at Dave, running a hand down his face. "Handcuffed to the radiator," he said in a whisper.

"Handcuffed? To the radiator?" JJ sputtered, pushing Reid away. "Who the hell handcuffed him to the radiator?"

Nervously, Reid pointed to the man behind her.

Turning, JJ nailed Dave with a glare that could have frozen water in hell. "In what universe is that an appropriate negotiation technique? What the hell were you thinking? You had one job, David Rossi! ONE! Make sure the groom got down the aisle. How the hell did you let this happen?"

"JJ, if you'd just…"

"Seriously, you expect me to say I do to you when you can't even make sure a perfectly respectable man shows up for his ceremony."

"It wasn't exactly my fau-".

"Don't finish that sentence, Rossi!" JJ shouted.

Closing his mouth quickly, Dave hung his head. "So, all that progress I just made with you…"

"Out the freaking window, Old Man!"

"Well, shit!" Dave muttered.

"Where is he, Dave?"

"He was in the groom's room when I left him. They were supposed to be talking him into marriage when I left."

"Who?"

"Hotch, Morgan, and Em-," Dave tried to say.

"You're letting Morgan talk to somebody about marriage?" JJ shrieked.

"Well, Hotch was there!" Dave defended.

"Oh, yes, our divorced boss! Oh, who am I kidding, I was depending on my thrice divorced live-in to keep him in line! What in the name of heaven was I thinking," JJ snorted, stomping toward the door.

Moments later the door of the groom's room bounced against the wall as JJ violently flung it open. Sweeping into the room, she steadily glared at the rooms occupants. "I absolutely can not believe you people! You can't be trusted to your own devices for a friggin' minute!" Affixing Rossi with a glacial gaze, JJ ordered, "Uncuff him!" as she slammed the door closed.

Narrowing her gaze on the young man huddled against the radiator as Dave uncuffed him, JJ drew in a deep breath. "Okay, Kevin, what seems to be the problem?" JJ asked as calmly as she could.

Lifting wild eyes to her, Kevin shook his head. "I can't do it, JJ. I can't marry her!"

"I categorically reject that statement, Kevin," JJ said tersely.

"He seems pretty serious to me, Jayje. He's been holding firm for the last hour," Morgan muttered.

Glaring at him, JJ snapped through gritted teeth. "Allow me to rephrase, then. Someone in this room IS going to marry Penelope Garcia today. I assure you ALL of that," she hissed, taking a moment to stare down every man in the room. "I'm not particular about who that someone is at this point either! So, I suggest you all put your thinking caps on and assist me in convincing our colleague here that marriage is in his best interest!"

"No! I'm not eating vanilla ice cream for the rest of my life while she sucks the life out of my soul! No life map is going to prevent her from doing it either!" Kevin yelled hysterically.

Looking at him blankly, JJ asked, "What?"

"Oh God," Rossi moaned, dropping his head into his hands.

Turning sharply, JJ gasped, "Is that what you filled his head with last night, David? I can't believe you!"

"NO!!" Dave said, holding out his hands. "I didn't! I swear on our daughter, I did NOT!"

"Then how did he get these idiot notions in his mind?" JJ screeched.

Lifting an accusing finger and pointing it to where Hotch, Morgan and Reid stood huddled in a corner, Kevin yelled, "Them! It was them!"

Jerking around to follow that pointing finger, JJ saw three guilty looking men staring back at her, fear blazing in their eyes. "Them?" JJ said, turning disbelieving eyes back to Kevin. "THEY are your brain trust? Your think tank? Three men that have absolutely no idea how to make a relationship of a mature nature work? You listened to them? Kevin, I gave you more credit than that!"

"Hey!" three indignant male voices shouted.

"Will you three never just learn to shut up!" Rossi hissed, watching as the head of the woman that loved jerked around again.

"You boys have something to add?" Taking a deep breath, JJ looked at Kevin. "Okay, Kev…you're a scientist, of a fashion…let's examine the evidence," JJ said, walking across the room to stop in front of Morgan. "We'll start with you Derek."


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

"Aww, come on, JJ," Morgan whined.

"Exhibit A," JJ said, directing a finger at Derek. "The perpetual player. This man has not had a relationship to my knowledge that has lasted beyond the next morning's breakfast. He has a propensity to date women, and I use that term loosely, that have names ending in the letter "I". Let's see, in the last month alone, I remember a Candi, Kristi, Brittani, and if I'm not mistaken, there was even a Bambi. His exploits are very nearly as widely known as Rossi's," JJ noted, shooting a furious glance in Dave's direction.

"The old Rossi," David corrected. "The new and improved Rossi is currently a very happy man in a long term relationship expecting his first child," Dave quickly added.

"Regardless, this man," she said, jabbing a pointed finger into Morgan's chest, "fills his life with meaningless women and empty relationships. He is the epitome of Mr. Commitiphobe. Not exactly a role model to aspire to, is he, Kevin?"

"Gee, thanks, JJ," Morgan muttered, hanging his head.

"You're welcome," JJ returned, moving on. Stepping in front of Reid, she jerked him forward. "Exhibit B," she said, shaking Reid's arm. "Before you here, we have a boyman who still breaks out in hives every time he's forced to interact with a woman in anything more than the most professional of capacities. I have literally seen this man be forced to use an entire bottle of calamine lotion after a date, Kevin. He uses facts and data as human shields to prevent actual emotion from penetrating his brain."

"That's true!" Reid added helpfully. "I do, Kevin. I really do."

"Often, the young man before you will use those arbitrary facts to avoid the contemplation of human feelings, as I suspect he did last night."

"The Jack Daniels that Morgan kept pouring down my throat didn't help matters either," Reid supplied.

"No, I'm sure it didn't, Reid," JJ offered, with a pitying glance. "You're excused."

"Thank you, JJ! Thank you!" Reid said, breathing a sigh of relief and moving quickly behind Emily.

Taking another step, JJ landed in front of their Unit Chief, Aaron Hotchner. "Exhibit C," she growled. "Now, here, Kevin," she said, jerking her head at Hotch, "we have an entirely different animal. This is what happens after a bitter divorce. Which you will never have because Penelope will simply kill you rather than divorcing you. Agent Hotchner is what happens when you take a workoholic and mix marriage. He simply does not know how to balance his life. And, he still loves his ex-wife. He's a coward, really. Unable to simply talk about his feelings. No, he'd rather poor all of his time, energy and emotion into his work. That doesn't sound like you, does it, Kev? You'd never let Penelope slip away simply because you wouldn't TALK to her, would you?"

"No," Kevin said weakly.

"No," JJ said firmly.

"Wouldn't you agree with my assessment, Hotch?" JJ asked, looking at the uncomfortable man.

"You make some valid points, JJ," Hotch admitted uneasily. "Although a kindlier gentler approach wouldn't have been…"

"Screw kind and gentle! We're on borrowed time here!" JJ hissed.

"But everything's gonna change," Kevin said, swallowing nervously. "She's gonna change me! At least, she's gonna try."

"Of course she is," JJ confirmed. "That's what we do! Look at Dave," she said, nodding to Rossi. "I've taken him from self-involved arrogant asshole to this. Don't you prefer him now?" JJ asked.

"Why thank you, sweetheart," Dave growled sarcastically.

"Oh, hush! You know I'm right!" JJ said with a shrug.

"I guess," Kevin said on a shaky sigh.

"You can do this, Kev," JJ said encouragingly. "You don't have a choice, really. Because if you don't do this, I'm going to drag you in front of the fastest moving truck I can find and watch it roll over your body repeatedly," she smiled. "You will NOT ruin my best friend's wedding day. Am I making myself clear here?"

"Perfectly clear, JJ. I love my snookums. I do. I just…when they all said…" he said looking at the other men. "I freaked," he finally said.

"Are you through freaking out, Kevin?" JJ asked patiently.

"Yes, ma'am," Kevin murmured.

"Great! Then get your sorry ass of that floor and into your tie and jacket! You've all ruined my perfectly prepared schedule!" JJ yelled.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Two hours later, Rossi grinned down at the tired blonde sprawled against him. Nodding down at her bare feet, he asked, "Finally lost the torture devices, huh?"

Taking a sip of punch, JJ nodded. "You bet your ass I did. As soon as those two," she said nodding at the happy couple across the room, "cut the cake those babies went flying. And, I could give a crap less where they landed."

Snaking an arm around her middle, Dave settled JJ more firmly against him in the booth as he gazed across the dance floor. "So you really think those two will make it?" he asked, nodding to Penelope and Kevin.

"Oh, I guarantee you that they will. Penelope isn't gonna let our little friend slip away. Don't worry about that," JJ said, taking a bite of chocolate cake.

"His little crisis of faith earlier didn't instill a few doubts?"

"Nope, he just needed a small reality check. Plus, I know being trapped with the men in our unit can be a bit daunting. Kevin's not exactly used to us yet," JJ shrugged. "Besides," JJ growled, "I worked for three months on that wedding. I battled morning sickness and psychotic caterers during wedding cake tastings. I've chased serial killers while choosing floral arrangements."

"At the same time, of course," Rossi added under his breath.

"Exactly." JJ said, nodding. "I wasn't going to let him ruin this day," JJ said, sighing as she felt his hands slide up and down her back. "You keep that up and I'll…"

"Marry me?" Dave asked hopefully.

"You aren't going to give up, are you?" JJ laughed.

"Hell, no!" Dave said, shaking his dark head. "Come on, honey…we're surrounded by all sorts of wedding joy here. Say yes. Flowers…Cake….and look, the bride and groom are headed this way. You can't say no to me again."

Interrupted from her reply, Pens and Kevin arrived at their table.

Grasping JJ and squeezing her tightly, Penelope announced giddily, "JJ! JJ! I'm really married!"

Gasping in the other woman's grip, JJ said, "I know, Pens! I was there, remember?"

Prying Garcia's arms away with her new husband's help, Dave murmured, "Easy there, Garcia. We don't want to pop the bun out of the oven before the buzzer goes off."

"I just wanted to thank you again for everything, sweetums! This was wonderful…and it all went off without a problem at all!" Penelope gushed.

Meeting Kevin's eyes over Pen's head, JJ forced a grin. "No problems at all, right, Kev?"

"Absolutely none!" Kevin agreed quickly. "I think they're playing our song, love bunny!" Kevin said with a look at Garcia as a swing tune began.

"Right behind you, my little muffin!" Penelope smiled, following her new husband to the dance floor.

"Did you see the look of fear in that kid's eyes," Dave whispered against her ear, pulling JJ back into his arms.

"Good! That'll make my job that much easier," JJ said in a satisfied tone.

"So, back to our earlier conversation…" Dave murmured against her neck.

Sighing, JJ leaned her head back against Dave's shoulder and stared into his eyes. "You do realize that an actual marriage will follow the wedding, right?"

"Oh, yeah. That's the part I'm looking forward to, babe." Dave returned, settling a hand over her belly as their daughter kicked.

"It would appear that she agrees with her father," JJ laughed, looking down at her stomach.

"Good, since it seems I need all the help that I can get these days," Dave noted.

"Okay, Rossi. You win. I'll marry you. But, there's a condition," JJ added.

"Name your terms, sweetheart. Anything you want!" Dave said happily, tightening his arms around her.

JJ waved a hand around them, "This."

"You want a wedding like this?" Dave asked. "It's yours."

"NO! Hell, NO!" JJ said, shaking her blonde head determinedly. "This, I want to avoid! I was thinking along the lines of a nice elopement. I never want to talk to another florist or caterer as long as I live!"

"Now, THAT, honey, sounds like a plan!" he whispered, leaning forward to cover her lips.


End file.
